If you ask a man what he looks for when he meets a vagina, besides a great sense of humour of course, he will probably suggest many of the same delusional qualities he wants in his total fantasy female package. Easy on the eye, morning, noon, and night; perfumed to perfection; tantalising to the taste buds; demure blushing rose bud one day; insatiable quivering tigress purring, "Sic 'em Rex" the next.

Now before you give up on us and go surfing for a re-enforced steel chastity belt on e-Bay, consider the positive. In the real world, we're just so excited about meeting a new vagina; her physical attributes play second fiddle to her physical presence. And, hopefully, we'll get a third fiddle if we're doing it right.

The wonderful truth is, we enjoy that every woman is unique and that we never know what we'll get. You didn't really think Forrest was gushing over just any box of chocolates did you? The assortment of innies and outties; bearded and bald; bitter and balmy; juicy, loosey, arid and airtight is part of what makes diving for hidden treasure so exciting. Each man has his personal favourite.

Being a traveler by nature, I love visiting exotic, sultry hideaways, but none more so than Equatorial Vulva (Capital city Clitoria, population 1). After stemming my Steve Urwinesk enthusiasm for the place (and remembering that, "Crickey, it's a big one!" isn't a polite term of greeting in this part of the world), I thought I'd offer a few thoughts on lower floor hairstyles, because in recent years you've spoilt us naughty boys with so much choice.

Personally, I'm a fan of minimalism when it comes to pubic art. I just feel more confident, comfortable and ravenous if I can see what's on my plate. It's not that I won't eat a side salad, but I love something neatly trimmed, waxed, or with a little garnish for presentation on the specials board. It's a surefire way to have me offering my compliments to the chef all night.

Now I might be anti-Bush, but I'm not anti-bush. However, if I happen upon some thick woods and can't spot the apple for the trees there's an overwhelming urge to call out "Are you alone in there Little Red Riding Hood?"

It can be equally disconcerting in the dark. Don't get me wrong; lights out can be very exciting. The other senses become heightened. However, I remember one particular night enjoying this beautiful woman's soft, smooth, scented skin, delighting in her quivering moans, as I kissed over her stomach, hips, until "Oh my God, there's a Yeti hiding between her thighs!" Needless to say, it was the last confirmed sighting of me in that neck of the woods.

From the lush, tropical, I-think-one-of-your-vines-is-strangling-my-tonsils jungles of the Amazon, we move to the soft, naked, swollen dunes of Copacabana and ask "What the hell is it with men and Brazilian badgers?" Some women feel that it's an unleashed young girl fetish. I can't speak for the freaks out there, but this is furthest from my mind. You are women, not kids. You have fleshy breasts, dangerous curves and other gorgeous womanly delights. When a damsel unveils a shaven shroud, a ruby waxed, or a landing strip, I'm thinking she's comfortable with her vagina, proud of her body, a little bit naughty and loves to be sexy. It can only lead to trouble of the wickedest kind.

Plus the sexual benefits are better than a TV shopping deal. No more fishing for elusive pubes stuck in your mans throat or flossing his molars! No more painful rope burn that can strike the head of a plummeting penis when a long hair gets caught in the middle of a vigorous workout! And if you call now, you'll also receive dozens of new radical oral maneuvers to enjoy over and over again!!

Now I know all this preaching about the benefits of shaving and waxing sounds a bit rich coming from a male. After all, we go watery eyed just plucking a nose hair. So when your guy starts hinting that he'd like to see a little more Sinead O'Connor and a little less Beyonce around the golden triangle, make him share some of the pain by coughing up (pun intended) for the cost.

Which leads me (and naturally you) to re-growth. I've heard that some women shy away from sex whilst stubble grows long enough to re-wax. If you are worrying about what we will think, don't. You put up with our three-day growths, and we are more than happy to return the favour. If we get a little over-enthusiastic and come up looking like a clown with smudged lipstick for a day or two, so be it. We're just smitten to get some kitten.

If you still feel uncomfortable, rub in a little of that $200 moisturiser you go nuts about us using when we run out of shaving cream. There's not a man in the world that will argue if you suggest he does the honours.

If you can't possibly part with your hedge, then try something adventurous with it. Perhaps mow a path from the thighs all the way to Clitoria and tell your hungry hobbit to go find the Precious. Or if you like the idea of a Brazilian, but would feel naked without your fur coat, start a new fashion trend and go the comb over.

When all is said and done, it comes back to the box of chocolates. Each man has his favourite, but we love that every treat is a little different. Remember the old saying, "love thy vagina, and men will love her too". And people wonder why I want to come back in my next life as an Oompa Loompa.