A couple engaged me to be their wedding officiant simply because I asked them, Why do you want to get married? Out of five prospective officiants they had interviewed I was the only one that asked them that question, and it was very important to them that their officiant be interested in them as a couple and not just in the wedding fee. It is a good question that needs to be asked before the engagement and certainly before the wedding. So, bride and groom why do you want to get married? Lets set the scene. Youve been dating for X number of weeks, months, or years or you may have been living together for X number of weeks, months or years. Now youve decided to make it a permanent, legal relationship. Why? Is it strictly an emotional, romantic decision? Ask yourselves the question and seriously reflect on your answers: What do I love about him? What do I love about her? Will your answers stand the test of time? In ten or twenty years will he/she still have that great body that excites you so right now? Will the conversations about jobs and kids be exciting? Will the emotion still be present when there are children, financial concerns or in-law problems? What if he loses that great job? What if he develops a beer belly? What if he just sits on the couch in command of the remote control? What if she gets sick or clinically depressed? Or horror of horrors, what if she gets fat after having the children? Lyle Lovett has an interesting song titled What Do You Do When it Stops Being New? Its worth listening to that song as you answer the question for yourself and with each other: What will you do when things get routine, hum drum, old? Will what attracts you to your beloved be enough to sustain the love and keep it new? How do we complement each other? (I dont mean what nice things you say, although this is important). How well do you work together to accomplish a common goal? Is it one sided or is it a mutual endeavor? How well do you play together? Do you enjoy the same things? Can he leave the couch and the remote long enough to do something she enjoys? Can she settle in on the couch, snuggle up and enjoy a ball game with him? Do you enjoy each others company regardless of whether youre at a special event or painting the kitchen? What interests do you have in common? What interests to you have that are your own that are compatible with your new life together? What interests do your partner have that are uniquely his or hers? What would you like to change or fix about the person you are about to marry? Have you made a list of those things? Oops! This is a trick question. If you made a list, then you might want to rethink your engagement. If you are thinking youll change them after youre married, stop now! If you dont love your partner exactly as he or she is right now, call off the engagement. Stop the wedding plans. The purpose of marriage is not to remake another person to your likeness and image and it will never, ever work. I encourage you to ask these questions now of yourself. Have your beloved do the same and then have a long, serious conversation about why you want to get married. It may be the most important conversation you ever have. |
