So you're in Miami, but you've never been "clubbing" (as the kids these days seems to say) before? No problem. This handy little guide will tell you all you need to know about the do's and don'ts of behavior in the clubs (Note: this is a generic guide. Perhaps some other installment I will tackle the more "specialized" club etiquette, such as S&M, gothic, and medical fetish.)

The first thing you will notice upon approaching a club in the wild is a long line of people with a large, ape-like man at the fore. This fellow is the bouncer. Generally speaking, all bouncers have is their muscle, and they like to flex it. You can spend a long time in these lines, never seeing the wonders of the club interior, if you do not behave properly towards these men-mountains. Here are some fun and easy steps that will get you in faster:

1. Dress appropriately. Many clubs have a no-jeans policy. Others want you clad only in bearskin. Pay attention to the dress code.
2. Don't tick off the bouncer. They hold all the cards in this situation, so be courteous and understanding to these Darwinian nightmares.
3. Bouncers love women. If you have flirty, giggly women in your party, you will get in much faster. If you don't, you can try to be friendly with some unattached women in line, making it seem like they are in your party WARNING: This can make you look like a huge jerk if it backfires.
4. Bouncers love shiny things. When you go up to him to ask how long the wait is, slip him a silver dollar (or better, twenty in bill form). Don't tip him too low, or you will never get in. If you tip him too high, people will think you have no concept of the value of money. This, admittedly, can help you with the opposite sex.

We'll assume for the sake of this article that you made it past the bouncer. Good job! Two edifices now loom in front of you: The bar and the dance-floor. Both have a number of drunken people bumping into one another, so they can be difficult to tell apart. First up: The Bar. Ordering a drink at the bar is much like ordering one at your local public house, but even so, there are a few things worth mentioning. The first is obvious: it is really crowded. It can be very difficult to get a drink under these conditions. Here are some fun and easy steps that will get you loaded at full efficiency:

1. Pay with cash. The frenzied pace of this kind of place makes it easy to end up with someone else's drinks on your tab, and trust me, once they are on there, they're not coming off.
2. Consider learning the bartender's name. If they are familiar with you, you'll stick out in a crowd. I would not, however, recommend calling their names out loudly from across the bar while they are busy. This could hurt their feelings and make them never talk to you again.
3. These bar-folk are working very very hard. Always tip for everything (including water!) A dollar per drink is usually about right.
4. Don't block other patrons from ordering once you have your drink. More out of the way swiftly, or you will be reviled.

Onto the dance floor. Liquor ingested, you should be ready by this point to get out into the teeming mass of humanity and show them all what you can do. Here are some fun and easy tips to get you out there without making (too much of) a fool of yourself.

1. Don't bug the DJ too much. It's okay to request a song, but don't do it too often. Otherwise they will play Ace-of-Base and say that you requested it.
2. Repeatedly "accidentally" bouncing into the women on the floor will do nothing but convince them you are a pervert, and possibly a serial killer.
3. Don't get into the middle of things, flailing wildly and taking up space, for the sake of flailing wildly and taking up space. This might seem like it goes without saying, but any club you go to has about 20 of these guys making dancing difficult for everyone else. You can have fun in the thick of things without tripping everyone up, even if you aren't a great dancer. Just be alert.
4. Don't bump and grind with a girl unless you know she's interested. If she's not, she could complain to the aforementioned bouncer, and you could have some serious trouble (after all the work it took to get here, you wouldn't want to get bounced, would you?)

Well, that information should have you well on the way to having a great time in the clubs of Miami. Be smart, be cool, and you should have no problem. If you are a loud idiot, well, you've been warned and I won't be held responsible. Happy travels, and happy eating/drinking/dancing/debauchery.